The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Starring: Richard Armitage, Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly, Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Lee Pace, Luke Evans, Cate Blanchett and all those bloody dwarfs

Directed by: Mad with Power Peter Jackson

Rating: ★★★

According to the poster, The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies is the ‘defining chapter’, of this completely unnecessary cash cow prequel trilogy. I’m not sure why, as Bilbo found the ring in the first one, and surely this is the most important element in setting up the story that will come after it?

Thorin, much like Peter Jackson and Guillermo Del Toro, has gone mad with power...

In spite of this poor marketing campaign, I do think that this film is the best in the trilogy, mainly because it is, essentially, a two and a half hour extended battle sequence- an exciting and thoroughly entertaining one at that!

Battle after battle after battle... at least it's better than 45 minutes of dwarves swinging from light fixtures...

Although the movie begins were the second one should have ended, with Smaug attacking Rivertown and being quickly and stupidly vanquished by an inbred fisherman and his horrible children, the dragon still looks amazing, and this action packed attack works very well as an opening. It may be disgusting cheesy at times, but luckily I could look past this and revel in the fire spewing adventure.

You'd think a dragon would be a lot harder to kill...

After some diabolical dialogue, from a piss poor script that would make the writers of Movie 43 shake their heads in disbelief, there is another fight scene- this time between Galadriel (Blanchett) and some terrifying ghosts- as she saves Gandalf (McKellen) from an evil entity.

They paid these two to be in the trilogy- so they better give them at least one scene in this installment!

Then, once that’s over with, there is a two hour epic action spectacle between, you guessed it, five armies, which is actually really well done if you enjoy orcs, dwarves and giant bats attacking each other. This is popcorn entertainment at its best, so if you want to kick back, relax and enjoy the ride, then it’s an exciting watch.

Gold, gold everywhere but not an Arkenstone in sight...

This time, the film focuses on Thorin, which proves that you can have a trilogy in which each movie is about an entirely different character, even though it is named after only one, and is meant to be about him. Luckily for us, Bilbo is not really in the film, which is good because Freeman’s acting is painfully awkward- it looks as though he is reading the script line by line.

Oh Martin, it really is time you gave up your day job!

Freeman really can’t act for toffee.

Random love triangle- check!

Just like the second one, it really says a lot about a movie when Orlando Bloom and a character played by Evangeline Lilly, created to pad out its running time, are probably the best bits about it. Apart from Thorin, the Elves get the best parts and best fights, and also are the only characters you actually care about, including the camptastic Thrandull (Pace).

Who doesn't like a sneering camp Elf?

The dwarves are, once again, completely terrible forgettable background filler characters who have no real differences between them except for their awful facial hair. But Thorin does actually get some character development, as well as an exhilarating fight scene on top of a frozen waterfall, which is the best bit in the entire movie.

Those dwarves- all those bloody dwavres!!!

Unlike the first and second Hobbit films, this one doesn’t feel painfully long, as the pacing is, overall, very good. The ending feels overlong, but only because the focus shifts back to Bilbo, who has about as much personality as a lamppost.  

I can't tell you how much I hate those stupid kids... they really are awful DAR!!

I really thought that The Hobbit: The Battle of Fives Armies would be terrible but, once again, I was surprised that they managed to stitch something together from a mangled script that seems to be written by someone who has never even seen a movie in their life.

 

If you enjoy action packed fantasy adventure, then this is a film for you. I liked it because it was fun, thrilling and was pure escapism.

It's never a good thing when a real person gets out acted by a CGI monster- isn't that true Mr Freeman?

But now the real question is, will Mad Bad Peter Jackson do a reboot, spinoff or prequel?

Who the hell knows!

All I know is that now this trilogy is done with,  I’m hoping that with a new year comes new ideas, new films (not previously based on anything) and most importantly, new movies that are actually half way decent!